Still there is sorrow although I seek joy

Leaves drop, filling my vision.  Amber and scarlet fire to light my way.  They surround me, reflecting in my eyes and then my heart, burning off the fog and the clouds.  The last few thoughts of worry and fear meander off, leaving tracks deep in the soil of my heart.  Still, my soul aches.

Since when did living on this beautiful earth become so difficult for a woman such as myself?  How long will I carry the weight of my grandmother's and great-grandmother's weariness?  How can I learn to hold all I am within the compassion of the universe, and God, and myself?  This period of deep unrest is wearing away at my being.  The nerves in my brain and body are frayed and stressed.  I proclaim myself to be a student of the universe, but instead I've bound myself to the shackles of the material- money, studies, food.  How can I feed my soul when my wings are clipped and I feel unable to fly to the unseen place of soul food- true food upon which I feed my spirit, where the Wild Woman within me can replenish her stores of instinct and wisdom and longing for life? Instead of flying up to this place of nourishment, I find myself huddled in my bed at 4 am, chained to my feelings of anxiety and self-doubt.  Tears for humanity, for women gone unappreciated and disrespected, for love and truth gone unseen and unspoken wash down my face and body, emptying me completely.  It is time for me to replace those tears of sorrow with tears of joy, but how can this happen when I feel drained?  I know it is time for the phoenix of my being to rise up, to replenish the faith within me, but any step I take seems to make the top of the mountain that much further away- I think I am going forward, but is it all a mirage?  Am I retreating rather than leaping forth as I believe?